Future Desert Life

Secretly, I’ve always kinda wanted to live in the desert. There are no people there, so it’d be a nice little bit of solitude. If I died then it’d be my own silly fault, and not because I was crushed under the weight of a soft drinks dispensing machine that a capitalistic maintenance worker failed to properly secure to the wall. And I’d do my research before moving there, obviously. Just find a nice little oasis, establish a new life and spend the whole time fighting off predators who want my water and succulent desert fruits, just as nature intended.

It’s the whole reason I got cactus print wallpaper applied to every room in my house. I figured that if I was going to live in a house and not a small hut-like structure made from palm trees, I might as well make use of all these old walls, and cover them in wallpaper that has cacti all over. I even got the ceiling done, even though that’s not standard procedure. I just like lying in my bed at night, looking up at the free and beautiful cacti littering the wild desert floor, some of them in full bloom. And you can eat those, you know. Oh, I’m well-versed in all kinds of desert lore…I know which dangerous scorpions are TOO dangerous to turn into soup, and where to dig when the sandstorms come rolling in. I also looked into wallpaper with a scorpion print (I wanted to be reminded of all the delicious soup I’d be eating), but it turns out that isn’t a standard design.

But no matter! There’s custom print wallpaper that you can design yourself. It should be arriving next week sometime, after which my bathroom will be covered in scorpions. Cacti and scorpions, all over my house, reminding me of the desert’s bounty. I’ll give this overly-decadent society some props: they make some really nice custom wallpaper. If I want scorpion wallpaper in my future desert hut, I’ll have to actually pin scorpions to the wall. And I won’t do that, because they are vengeful creatures who should not be provoked.

-Dallas